To: The Director
Cc: All Staff ; Bcc: H.P. Lovecraft
I need to report an incident that happened just now. I am still a little shaken up to be honest.
Just ten minutes ago I went to make myself a coffee in the kitchen. I was in early this morning; not even George was here yet. I prepared my coffee as usual, using this new Australian coffee press I had bought in Shoreditch the week before.
On the way back from the kitchen I came past the photocopier room, the one right next to my office. The door was closed which struck me as odd.
Then I heard a noise. A slurping kind of sound, unlike anything I had heard before. It was accompanied by a foul and somewhat fishy stench that got stronger with each step I took. I opened the door and found the room in complete darkness. My fingers fumbled for the light switch, found it, but slipped right off it. It was covered in slime. Now I know why.
It was when the neon lights flickered to life that I was attacked.
I was seized and dragged into the room as numerous tentacles, each the size of a boa constrictor, grabbed me. Their suction caps made escape impossible. I was being pulled towards a huge mouth, jagged with an impossible number of teeth.
Acting purely out of instinct, I flung my coffee mug into the foul abyss. A particularly tasty Italian espresso blend that I had roasted just the night before. The huge octopus monster shrieked in agony as the coffee came in contact with its gum. Whether it was for the taste of my blend or the heat of it, I cannot say. I managed to get my arms free. I knew I desperately needed a weapon or this was not going to end well. I reached for the paper cutter, grabbed it and got to work.
I wish I could say I won this. But as it turns out, giant octopi are extremely agile. I am afraid it slipped away. I only managed to cut off the very tip of one of its tentacles (see attached photos for your convenience).
I recommend to give the whole team a day off. The beast is probably still in hiding somewhere on this floor and I wouldn’t want anybody to get hurt. I say, let Security handle the situation.